Dreams

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What’s your dream?

This has always been a struggle for me. Everyone has a dream right? That something they love to do, or that passion that holds their heart captive . At the very least, everyone is supposedly good at something, so if passion is missing, we should all have some kind of talent to fall back on.

Unless you’re me. I’ve never had any clue what I wanted to do, nor the talent to back it up. I’m just sort of an average girl, not especially good at anything, but not particularly terrible at anything either (except any kind of sport). Never had a passion for anything either. The only thing that has ever sparked my attention was doing my senior project on abuse in the foster care system. But the choices I made in life kept me from being able to complete the education needed to become a social worker. Those same choices make it impossible for me to be a foster parent either. For now.

I was too scared to go to college when I had the chance. As a socially awkward introvert, no amount of righteous anger was motivating enough for me to deal with that anxiety. I didn’t see social work as a dream or a passion, just an inkling of something frustrated me. I considered art school, but only because my high school crush was going to art school. I probably could have found a way to go, but again, while I have an artsy, creative side, it’s just not something that I’m motivated by or passionate about.

I like coming up with ideas, like creating a new restaurant. Sounds like fun, and I get into covering every last detail, until the planning is finished. After that, it’s a job, a death trap.

I get bored with these ideas quickly and lose interest in almost everything I try. I’ve tried a lot. I’ve worked everywhere from factories to banks, done everything from bait lines for crabbers to manage departments in big box retail. I’ve cleaned and served as well as lead and develop. I’ve learned enough coding to create a simple video game (not a good one, I emphasize simple), learned to create an e-commerce store, I even know how to skin a deer and use power tools as big as I am.

I’m a quick learner and I love having something new to embark upon. But the excitement of the challenge eventually wears off and in the end, I am bored and wondering what the point is.

It seems like I get to a place where there is no more ladder to climb and the job or the task becomes mundane. In the mundane, my mind goes into overdrive, and when my mind goes into overdrive, it seems to scream at me that something is missing. The feeling of emptiness, a feeling of being lost begins to creep in. The blinders are removed and the distraction of learning, growing, achieving disappears.

This month has been interesting for me. God has “made me lie down in green pastures” before. This pasture seems to be slightly elevated and I can see how all the other pastures are connected to the path I’m on, though I couldn’t see it then. In this season, the pasture has given me more than rest and nourishment. It’s awoken a dream.

Before, I thought that a dream was a career, a skill or a passion that defined me. I searched everywhere for a way to spend my days on this earth that made me feel happy or fulfilled.

Five years ago, God called me to him in another season of lying in pasture, and I’ve never looked back. But even as I followed my Savior to the ends of the earth (or at least the end of the country), I still felt something missing. I felt peace, even joy at times, but definitely not purpose. Any bit of fulfillment seemed to cap out at the halfway point.

Probably because I was missing the point. My purpose is not in what I do. What I do, rather, is a by-product of who I am. Who I was, was lost little girl, searching for my home, and my life reflected that lostness (is that a word?).

Who I am now is a daughter of God. God. The Creator. Is my Father. It’s mind-boggling.

And now what I do reflects just that – my love for my Father and his Kingdom, my family, here and in Christ, and my family to be.

I don’t think it matters what I do, I think it matters who  it points to, who it reflects. Does it reflect Christ and his perfect Love? Or me and my carnal desires?

When this becomes the criteria for what we do, the destinies written on our hearts long before they beat for the first time begin to glow.  As we become closer to our Father, fall deeper in love with our Savior, we hear his Spirit more clearly, guiding us into that destiny.

It’s never been my dream to write, despite having a knack for grammar and storytelling. (I realize I’m out of practice. I was called out on spelling Halle The Heroine incorrectly. I originally posted Halle the Heroin, like the drug. Great spelling and great parenting there.) Writing is hard. It’s a delicate balance between being inspired and inspiring, and I’m often not inspired until about halfway through writing the post. I just have to put the pencil to the paper, and trust God to give me the words. Besides that, it doesn’t pay the bills. There’s no medical benefits, no 401k. You have to ask the people who depend on you to trust you when you’re not even sure you can trust yourself.

It’s hard.

But I love it. I love that it’s never mundane. It doesn’t distract me from God, it keeps me focused on God. It’s an adventure. It takes me off the beaten path, the one that keeps me close to my Father. Best of all, it reflects who I am, a child of God.

It points everyone around me to the true source of love, peace, joy, and purpose. Which I have come to find is my passion, above all else. It sets an example to my children, my first and most important purpose, of how to live this life, how to live the true abundant life. 

Which is why I won’t quit.

I know many people feel who feel lost and lack purpose or a dream. So many Christians, chasing the lie of achievement, hoping to gain happiness and favor in God’s eyes.

It’s not there.

It’s not in the wind, or the earthquake, or the fire. It’s in the still small voice that whispers to you when the distractions fade. Your dream is in the whisper, activated by letting Love envelop you.

Stop following a dream and start following the Dream Weaver. Lean into his love, make being in his presence your dream. Your destiny is in your heart. Let the author bring it to life.

 

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6 comments on “Dreams”

  1. I think you can totally do it. Some of the best writers out there have some of the worst grammar and their first drafts are filled with crossed-out words and paragraphs and correction symbols. Writing shouldn’t be left up to grammarians anyway because we’d make it boring. Some of the best writing breaks grammar rules, when it suits the story. Mark Twain was a master of this: his characters speak as you would expect given their backgrounds.
    Writing takes time and experience – but I have no doubt that you’ll find your own voice as you write and it’ll be lovely. The spirit of your other post – the admiration, shone through brilliantly and that was the most important thing.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Anyway, I wanted to say that growing up, I didn’t have a dream either. On Career Day, all the other kids excitedly chatted away about what they were going to do and all I had was a blank piece of paper in front of me. That never really changed. It wasn’t until two or three years ago I discovered a website that taught me Spanish for free and learned I had a knack for languages. I ended up reviewing the finer points of English grammar along the way. I still don’t really have any dreams or goals – but at least I have a hobby to keep me busy until I find mine.

        Like

      2. We are a culture obsessed with job titles and careers. I think it’s totally ok for life to be a journey of discovering what we love and who we are. My dream isn’t to write, I still don’t know what I would do if someone offered me any job in the world, I only know that I want everything I do to lead others to Christ, and Right now, I want to be a mom. Writing is my best way of communicating and planting those seeds of hope, as well as allowing me to be home with my kids (hopefully). Where it will all lead, who knows. It’s about the journey. So no worries, I think, despite what we’re lead to believe, its rare for people to know exactly what they want to do. Few people have a clearly defined dream. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

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