Oh, so many thoughts jumbling through my head today! So many misconstrued notions that God is bringing to my attention. So much fear and misuse of the gift of imagination.
And what am I so afraid of?
This is a question I keep asking myself, and I keep coming up with the same generic answers. The same problems are left unsolved and the same fears rule my life, despite any illusion of victory.
Fear is the answer, this I do know. I feel its grip tightening around my heart, but any attempts to overcome seem like waving a sword through vapor. Maybe it is because I am fighting the wrong fear. Maybe the web of lies spun by my enemy is just that, a web. The real enemy is somewhere in the midst, hiding like a coward beneath all the manipulation and fabrication of truth.
There is one question, a question that has laid itself on my heart, a question that begs to either set me free or destroy the very foundation of everything that I believe.
Is God good?
Why of course, you say, that is so simple! Of course he is good!
Yes, we all know what the answer to the question should be. Maybe the real question is, do you choose to believe that God is good, or do you KNOW that God is good?
If I choose to believe that God is good, but somewhere deep inside, I am not entirely sure, the foundation for everything I choose to do or say every day begins to shift. Hairline fractures subtly etch their way into the solid structure of truth. I begin to question my obedience to God. I begin to doubt his Word. I begin to wonder on a subconscious level if the hope I claim to have is a hoax. I stop believing God will answer prayers. I stop believing that he is working for my good. I begin to believe that the truth is what I make it. I begin to make decisions independent of God, secretly fearing that I will find out his truth is just a sham.
After all, if I fail in my rebellion, I can safely conclude my failure is my own fault. I can condemn myself for not trusting God, while keeping him on a pedestal that is just out of reach in my version of reality. This is where I like God. Up high to both inspire me as well as to be my excuse for self-condemnation. My justification for wallowing in my choice of feelings, but never my real and true Savior, and certainly not a spirit with which I am in union with.
This falshood seems to raise it’s banner without us even noticing. Over the past couple weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time in bed trying to recover from this virus from hell. I haven’t really been able to do much work of any kind. But I have had a lot of time to think. And what I have thought about, is why I am speaking and writing about the goodness of God, and then living as if he were nothing more than an idol that I am too stubborn to admit I fashioned myself.
Do I really know that God is good?
It is scary to trust in the goodness of God. It is a risk. It doesn’t make sense. We look around at a world full of darkness and pain, and though we want so badly to believe God is good, it just doesn’t seem to add up. And we become very believing in the darkness, don’t we? We see plain as day the power that darkness has in this world. And being the humans we are, we feel almost obligated to submit to that power, don’t we? It feels like we don’t have a choice. It feels like the only reality that makes sense. If we can serve the pain instead of fighting it, maybe we can get somewhere. At the very least, we might gain a sense of numbness to it all, which is better than pain and confusion, right?
Does anyone ever feel this way? Because it plagues me. I am terrified that this life, this is it. I am terrified that my prayers, my belief, my love for God, my vulnerability, is a tall-tale. A mind over matter scheme. And I cannot handle the heartbreak I would feel to find out the Lover of my soul was another fraud.
So I have to ask myself, do I know God is good? Do I know that the darkness in this world exists because my God loves us too much to interfere with our will? Do I know that His heart is breaking as every tear drops from one of his children? Do I know that he cannot bear to lose even one of us, and sacrificed everything just to give us the choice of redemption? Do I know that he is reaching into the black hole of death we have created with his life light to open our eyes to truth before it is too late?
Do I know?
If I don’t know, then it is no wonder that fear continues to be my god. If I don’t know, then the power of his love goes unseen in my life day after day. If I don’t know, then all of my attempts at “goodness”, my desire to please him, is futile, for my goodness can only be an outpouring of his. If I don’t know, then my life means nothing.
So it is very important that I find the answer to this question, because it literally means life or death.
As God is revealing himself to me in ways I have never experienced and have never thought possible, I can say for myself, I DO KNOW.
I do know that God is so, so good!
I write this today because I think so many of us are living outside of the power of God’s love and can’t for the life of us figure out why. I think so many of us call on the name of God but bow to the illusion of fear. We don’t see it, and we are so disillusioned that we actually believe we are right in this. But the truth is, without absolute trust in the goodness of God, we can never live outside of the reign of fear! I think every one us needs to stop, and take time away from everything and ask ourselves this extremely important question.
Do you know that God is good?