This month. Wow. Just ridiculous.
I find myself again on the same merry-go-round ride wondering, seriously, what am I doing here, and why can’t I seem to move forward?
I started this blog called, “LoveNcourage” to inspire you (and myself) to live out a life of love, which takes a massive amount of courage in this world, and I feel like such a hypocrite, because I’m not practicing what I preach.
I find myself living in so much fear. Fear of failure, fear of human opinion, fear of making the wrong decision, fear, fear, fear.
Ummm…what happened to the courage? Where did that run off to?
Well, I was having quite a pity party this week. Nothing was going my way, and I kept wavering from desperately trying to convince myself and God that I was thankful for all he has given me, while feeling like Wesley from the Princess Bride after he’s had 50 years of his life sucked away in the pit of despair.
Life is so messy! I don’t know if I attract disaster or if everyone’s life crumbles to pieces every few months and I’m just a wuss about it, but it really feels like I’m all alone. I try so hard to do, be and earn……
Yes, I know, I often answer my own questions when I sit down and write.
I’ve said it so many times before and I’ll say it again and again and again, and hopefully one day I’ll actually believe it. I DON’T HAVE TO EARN GOD’S LOVE.
This is absolute truth and I could write (another) whole post on just that sentence. But it’s not sticking and I can’t really figure out why.
Except, I think I have.
I struggle with direction. I have a new passion every week, a new idea formulating every day. I’m constantly problem solving and my thoughts are such a tangled mess that I can’t actually follow through with anything unless I become obsessive about it, and then I get bored. By the way this is really hard for me to be open about, because this right here is what lies at the core of my self-hatred. So bear with me, I know it’s a bit much, but I think I need to get over myself here.
I feel lost all of the time. Physically, mentally and spiritually lost. The reason I blog about my relationship with Christ is because I know it’s vitally important and somewhere inside of me I am passionate about this relationship. And that’s great as long as I have the ability to keep my mind on this all day. Going to work, socializing, watching tv, literally anything else distracts me so greatly and easily that in a matter of hours I can find myself completely uncaring about whether or not other people have a relationship with God or not. I find myself impassive about my own relationship with God. Which brings on a whole new set of discouraging and negative self talk, because if I was really a christian, if my relationship with God was real, none of this would be an issue.
And it’s this insanity in my mind that sets me on fire for a new job or the possibility of some new opportunity, and then becomes a trap in which I feel imprisoned and unable to escape.
The endless list of retail jobs on my resume makes me sick. That girl representing me on that sheet of paper, I hate her. My joke of a LinkedIn profile, my complete lack of anything to show for my 33 years is disgusting.
I keep wondering, what’s wrong with me? Something isn’t right. I feel so worthless and completely stupid, honestly. I feel like I am able to put on a pretty good show for about 15 minutes, but underneath a well spoken, seemingly intelligent girl is an overly emotional, ditzy, unfocused hot mess.
It frustrates me because I really do want to please God. I really do want my life to matter. I want to leave a positive legacy. I want to stand before God one day and hear him say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to live a fruitful life, not a never-ending cycle of poverty and hardship. I want…..
I want. I want. I want.
Maybe the reason I can’t seem to gain traction in any area of my life, good or bad, is because, at the end of the day, it’s all about me.
Something that God has been speaking to me quite strongly about recently is love.
I don’t think I’ve ever truly understood what love is or how it feels to be loved. I’m not sure why, though I have some good guesses, but I just have never been able to accept it. And I think that I’ve always been chasing it, even in my relationship with God.
But my idea of being loved and his idea are very different. All I’ve come to realize is that I am a very selfish and self-centered being who thrives on being a victim.
My fears, my insecurities, my frustrations, my insatiable desire to prove myself…it’s all centered around me. And God did not create me for that.
I was created for HIM.
When Christ beckons the weary to follow him and find rest, he meant it. I’ve questioned the entire Bible because of my inability to prove that verse true, but he really meant it. We can have that rest when we stop trying to control everything.
We are his. Our one and only purpose in this life is to love and worship him. It’s not about us. It’s not about me. It’s about him.
I’m finding that as I let go of every other purpose I think I’m supposed to fulfill on this earth, I am beginning to see the budding blossoms of what real love looks like. I can do nothing for all of eternity but love God and he will be pleased, because that is my purpose. That’s why I exist. Any positive ripples I leave on this earth will flow from an outpouring of gratitude for my Savior, not from my skills or even from answering some “calling”. My calling is to know and love God!
I know this may seem so trivial to some of you, but my head knowledge of this concept has failed massively to give me a true understanding of what this means for me. My heart is finally getting the fact that I don’t have to try to earn anything from anyone! I am already whole, and my purpose is being fulfilled! Even writing the words doesn’t express the feeling of this weight being lifted off of my shoulders!
And as far my constant mental state of dazed and confused, I think that as I stop trying so hard to figure everything out, all the balls of yarn in there will start to straighten themselves out. It’s just so simple to know that I can let go. If I only work in crummy minimum wage jobs for the rest of my life, it can’t possibly matter, because I’m not lost. I haven’t missed something or made a wrong turn. I am 100% living my purpose and God will shine through me no matter what or where I end up.
So, this is getting pretty long, a lot longer than I wanted it to be, but I’m just so excited to feel so free! In any case, I thank you for listening to the emotional and probably somewhat overdramatic outpourings of my heart. I will stop talking now, promise.
Thanks for reading guys, I hope you have a great night!