What does it look like to trust?
Like, really trust.
Not vaguely believing in the back of our minds that everything happens for a reason. Not anxiously asking for God’s peace while simultaneously spewing worry and paranoia with every breath. Not posting verse images on social media as if our declaration of belief earns us brownie points with the Big Guy.
But really, genuinely taking the burden off of our shoulders and placing it in his hands.
As I paced the patio this weekend, crying to God in desperate frustration over the cyclic turmoil that is my life, I felt a whisper dance through me, the way a cool breeze wisps through a light sweater in the spring.
The whisper felt like a gentle correction. It said, Watch and see what trust really looks like.
And the image that projected in my mind is something I will never be able to forget.
He’s an incredible man, all logic and common sense with a hint of mischief and a sweet spot for soulful rock bands. He’s brilliant in any arena of life. A man hardened by the hardships of life, but still soft on the inside. Like those ice cream pops with the chocolate shell (I realize that’s a weird reference). I’m ashamed to say some of my past choices were key ingredients in building that shell, and that they have driven a wedge between us, one that we are both chipping away at, but that still lingers, unmoving. Our relationship is a mass of confusion and emotion between two nearly identical beings who thrive on concrete, factual, left-brained knowledge, but who are both reluctantly and ridiculously emotional.
I love him to pieces and my heart is broken for the years spent barely speaking to each other.
And of course, God would use this relationship to demonstrate his love for me as well as my complete inability to pull the giant stick out of my rear end.
Like watching a movie playing, I saw my Dad walk over to me and put his arm around me. He told me to Stop getting all worked up about everything, silly girl! He has everything under control! With a giant grin on his face and a playful demeanor he explained that money would no longer be an issue, that he would make sure I had more than whatever I needed to care for my family and myself. He told me he was getting a home ready for us to move into, a beautiful, cozy place with some land and an atmosphere reminiscent of my Nani’s country home up north. (My Nani is my Dad’s mom, a brave and compassionate woman very dear to my heart)
He told me he was so proud of me and who I had become, and that he was going to help me to build my dream- a business helping others find their purpose in Christ. He reassured me that he would be right there helping me make the best decisions in this work, every step of the way.
He told me not to worry about my children, that he would guide me when I needed it, but that I was doing a great job as a parent and that he was so proud of my two knuckleheads.
And as we sat and laughed and talked about all of this, I felt every bit of tension wash out of my soul. I felt a massive burden lifted, but more than that, I felt excited to live my life. I felt loved and protected and like it was all going to be ok. I felt like nothing mattered except just enjoying these moments with him, because there was nothing to fear in my future. The present belonged to us. I was about to begin an adventure, and my Dad wanted to be right there, guiding me along the way with wisdom.
It was so peaceful!
And then it was like I woke up, and I heard God’s whisper, I AM your Father. I want you to love me, trust me, and be excited to be a part of my world, the way you would if your earthly father came to you this way.
It hit me like a ton of bricks that I have never actually trusted God in any area of my life. I have wanted to, I have tried to, I have claimed to, but that feeling I felt in that vision with my Dad? I have never felt that way with God.
I should feel ashamed, but all I feel is so deeply loved. And I am awakened to the heart knowledge that God is my Father, my provider, my protecter, my joy, my strength…..my everything. I can believe this, and I can live each moment in complete trust that my heavenly Dad is in complete control of everything in my life, and knows exactly what each next step is.
I am so lucky to have a wonderful earthly Dad who, if this scenario actually happened, I would trust completely, and true to the vision, I would be able to relax and see the world through excited eyes instead of through fear.
While I realize everyone may not be so lucky, I encourage each of you to reflect on what it would feel like to truly trust God with your life. If not your dad, imagine someone you love and trust coming to you and telling you they were able to provide for all of your needs, give you perfect guidance through every obstacle and would lead you with perfect wisdom to a place of joy and fulfillment.
Walk through what that would like for you and your specific needs.
Then replace the image of that physical/tangible person you know in earthly form, with your Creator, Father God.
That is what’s real. That is truth.
No one on this earth is able to meet our every need, but we have a way of choosing to trust what we can see.
There’s nothing wrong with trusting people who love you and have your best interest at heart, but our deepest trust should rest in our perfect Father, who IS love, who created our personalities, who knows our deepest secrets, and who planted our deepest desires.
Because he is the one who will make this vision truth. Maybe this was just for me, but I felt so compelled to share, I can’t help but think one of you is struggling with the same half-hearted faith as I have, regardless of dedication and loyalty. I imagine I am not alone in feeling like something is holding me back from this abundant life God promised us.
I believe that missing element is absolute, daughter to Father trust. And I hope this has opened your eyes even a fraction of the way it has mine.
Love you all, and Dad, if you happen to read this, I especially love you. Thanks for being someone I would trust with my life.